Following is a copy of a reflection I gave on the occasion of the Feast of the Holy Family at St. Anthony Catholic Church in Anchorage on Sunday, Dec. 27, 2009:

In considering the challenges of what to say in regards to the Holy Family in particular and families in general, I was overwhelmed with possibilities, especially given the many obstacles and problems that families face today, many of which Joseph, Mary and Jesus faced in their time as well.

In my opinion the most important thing in addressing such a challenge is to begin at the beginning. In respect to family, I would say, that in its simplest manifestation a family begins when a child is conceived, for in a very real way the union of two results in the creation of a third. This is foundational; this is, in truth, a dim reflection of the Most Holy Trinity. As the Trinity gives birth to the universe and all of creation, the family gives birth to societies and civilizations. Families are all about relationship. Good families are about right relationship, and the Holy Family which we honor and celebrate today is all about how best to live that right relationship.

So, let’s take a look at this family. We have Mary, destined before her birth to be the Mother of God, holy and conceived without sin. We have Jesus, destined before time to be the salvation of the world, fully human and fully divine, also conceived without sin. And we have Joseph who is just like us in many, many ways. Saintly, yes, a sinner, also yes. I sometimes wonder what life must have been like for Holy Family, who we often think of as perfect. What might Joseph have said when he was working in his shop and smashed his thumb with a hammer? What might have been Mary’s reaction to burning the barley cakes, or Jesus’ response to the frustration of learning a new task. I can think of any number of expletives that are currently popular, but I doubt anything like the more sanitized “Jesus, Mary and Joseph” would have come to their minds.

I pondered this situation with my youngest daughter Jordan and asked her if she thought it would be difficult to contain one’s anger, one’s tendency to gossip, one’s temptation to cheat or to lie or engage in any of a number of petty mean behaviors that sometimes characterize our family interactions—especially for Joseph, who was living with the Mother of God and the Son of God. Her response surprised and delighted me. She said, “Maybe living with them made him a better person.” That’s what living in a family does for us—makes us better persons.

The Holy Family should not be a yardstick against which we measure our own shortcomings, their goodness a glaring spotlight which exposes our propensity for evil or our tendency to sometimes dwell in our own darkness. Rather this family of divine and human origins similar to our own families in so many ways is a supreme example of the best features of all families, whether they are biological, legal, created by choice or by accident or circumstance.

The root of the words “family” and “familiar” in the English language and several others I know of are the same—they both imply and define the quality of being known. It has been said that a family is a group of people who know all about you and have to take you in anyway. I think that’s a pretty adequate definition. But this statement, while quite simple, speaks volumes about what it means to be family.

In considering the qualities that make up a good family, that are exemplified in the Holy Family, many come to mind, but for me, certain characteristics stand out. These are my family values, they may not be yours. In no particular order, let’s look at a few of these:

Fidelity: It is perhaps this quality that most endears St. Joseph to me. To be faithful to one’s spouse, one’s children, one’s friends, even one’s faith is a choice born out of love or even a sense of duty. It is, in my estimation, the consistent practice of “being there.” When Joseph learns that Mary has not been unfaithful to him, he also learns the child she bears is not his own flesh and blood. Still, he chooses to care for both of them as he promised her at their betrothal. Hannah, the mother of Samuel in the first reading also honors a vow she makes to God. The retelling of this selfless offering of her child to the One who created him has to tug at the heart strings of every mother who hears it. Millions of folks have followed both Joseph’s and Hannah’s examples and stepped up to the plate to raise children who were not their own, or to give their offspring to the service of God or mankind, if only in support of the choices their adult children make to do so. I can’t help but think of the parents of children who choose to serve in the Peace Corps, the military, or dedicate their lives to the priesthood or sisterhood. Millions more choose every day to honor a vow made in love.

Sacrifice: Even mediocre parents know something about sacrifice, and the best usually sacrifice the most. From the waking for 2 am feedings, or waiting up for a curfew breaking teen, to watching a Son die upon a cross, the sacrifices of parents and other family members is never easy and never ending. But it is ultimately rewarding and even redeeming—even if we don’t see that reward in our lifetime. When I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with my first child, I asked my mom (who is a mother to seven) if having a baby was really as painful as people said. Her response was that it wasn’t nearly as painful as raising one. While that response both perplexed and frightened me, after 25 years of birthing and raising five children of my own I know exactly what she meant, and I suspect you parents do as well. In many, many respects, mothers and fathers do lay down their lives for their children.

Service: In the words of singer/songwriter Bob Dylan, “you gotta serve somebody.” It’s always easier and more gratifying when the ones you serve are also ones you love, especially when they show a bit of gratitude for that service. Still, even in the most loving of families, service can sometimes be drudgery, repetitive, mind numbing and thankless. And for followers of Christ that service must extend beyond the family to strangers at best, or our enemies, at worst. It is in serving those who spurn our charity, are oblivious to our sacrifice and hostile to our offering that we best exemplify to our children and others what it means to be Christian.

Forgiveness: It is my contention that more marriages are unglued, more relationships are severed, more damage is done by our failure to forgive than by any other breach of fidelity or lack of willing sacrifice or service. To a certain extent I believe that while we often think of forgiveness as a preferred response to sinfulness, even in the absence of sin there is often a need for forgiveness because we aren’t always aware of the ways that we unintentionally hurt each other. A good example of this is in the gospel. Jesus intends no harm by staying in the temple but his parents are clearly grieved by the fact that he is missing. I’d like to think that he apologized to them for the anxiety he caused, not because he had to, but, as with his baptism in the Jordan, as an example to us.

Last, but certainly not least; Love: Without love, all the foregoing qualities are difficult, if not impossible to exhibit and certainly to maintain. While obligation and a sense of duty may help us in the short term, they wear thin over the long haul. In an alternate reading for today, St. Paul tells us, “And over all these put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”

What greater bond of perfection is there than that of the Holy Family? This is not just a family that lived 2,000 years ago. This is our family. St. John tells us so, “See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. And so we are.” Like that little family of Nazareth we too will be made perfect in that love, and with the example of Jesus, Mary and Joseph as our guide we can work at improving the lives that God has entrusted to us as members of a family. As it is said, “Practice makes perfect.”